OMG!

All I can say is OH MY GOD! I'm sorry it's been longer than a day. But, truth is I don't know where to start. It just seems as things start to get better and look up they completely fall apart again. Why is life like that?! Why do we take one step forward and two steps back...it's so hard to keep moving forward when that's always happening!!!

Well, the night before last was possibly one of the WORST nights of my life. As I am getting in my car to go home from Douglas' apt at 3 am my phone is going off. My first thought is it's my sister pissed that I am not home yet. But, no it's my cousin, Amber, calling.

Amber and I have been more like sisters our entire life. We even were dressed alike as if we were twins. But, why was she calling at 3 AM?! In fact it wasn't her, it was her mom at first and she was in tears! So I said goodbye to Douglas and headed home. She told me Amber really needed to talk to me really bad! So I said okay put her on!

She said, "I want you to know that I took some pills. I feel as if I am a burden to everyone around me. I am tired of being treated like shit by my father and him not helping my mom pay my health/car insurance and car payments like he was court ordered to do. I feel that if I am not here my mom won't struggle anymore and maybe guys wouldn't have a girl to use anymore."

I didn't know what to think, do or say! I've been down this road too many times before with my best friend and in the end she's gone forever. I am shocked that Amber would ever do this! She's not a burden and in fact would be a burden if she were to be gone! I'm so glad that her ex, John, called Aunt Jeannie and told her. I'm glad that Amber called me to help her through this time. But, I really hope this is the one and only time she will ever even think about doing this to everyone around her.

We really did almost lose her. If she hadn't gone to the hospital to get her stomach pumped she probably wouldn't be here. The fact that I can't physically be there for her is really eating at me. I've always been able to just pick up and get to whoever was in need in my family and now I live far too far away to be able to do that. I would catch a flight but don't have the money or the time off to do so!!

Well, at least she's safe. Just please say a prayer for her and my family as we go through this dark time. On another note, Douglas and I love eachother SOOO much but we've been fighting almost daily. I don't know what to do about that. I don't know what to do with the jealousy that he has. I don't know how to show him he can trust me after all that's happened. I don't know where to begin other than to go back to a time when we were happiest and start over from there and forget everything else that has happened.

We will work through this I know, because we just love eachother too much. Every relationship has it's dark moments. I cannot wait to see him tonight to give him a big hug and see his smile. He's having a tough time as well, for he misses home. Home is Brazil and I can't keep him here if that's what he wants. But, if he does go I will miss him very much and be devistated. I'm pretty sure that I would wait for him if that's what he wanted!

Sorry for it being so long. But, this needed to be off my chest.

Have a good one!
-T-